Don't wanna let you down, but I am hellbound, though this is all for you.
Can not be tamed
Bro is the motherfucking apotheosis of Cool and Badass, rolling through life offering witty commentary, reacting inappropriately to most things and making flirtacious advances that are probably not wanted. He regards most things with a stoic air of impassiveness- and yes those two qualities are redundant and yet used together for irony and to show how completely unaffected he is by life. And while on the subject of irony, Bro Strider has so many levels, so many layers of irony that no one could ever hope to achieve in a hundred lifetimes, let alone the one tiny one they have. You just can not compete with him when it comes to subtle irony. His irony is so subtle that you may not even know he's being ironic.
At least, a lot of that is what he wants you to believe. Underneath the cool, badassness that he puts off is an actual human being buried there. He does react to things, but he's trained himself to do it in his head; he wears shades at all times because without them, he's more vulnerable. But even Bro has his limits, meaning his his facade is completely capable of crumbling if pushed beyond said limits. And while not a lot is capable of pushing him to those limits, the one person who is would be Dave.
While the two's relationship might be seen as weird, unhealthy, and maybe even borderline abusive, Bro's actions are, in the end, to make Dave a better person. Toughening him up for the real world, making him stronger and preparing him for the shit life can throw at you. He may act like a complete and total douchebag, but he loves Dave, even though he doesn't show it through physical or verbal affection. At least, not often. On the rare occasion that he's feeling vulnerable, if shit's really fucked up, when he knows Dave needs to hear it, he'll give it to him. Because in the end, no matter fucking what, they're family and he's got Dave's back.
When it comes to having Dave's back, when Dave's in danger or if he thinks Dave's been wronged in some way, his parental instincts pretty much kick into high gear. At least, in Bro's own twisted kind of way. This comes in the form of either fucking your shit up royally and beyond repair (usually via the tip of a sword), or just screwing with you mentally, with threats and smuppets- and raps- but more on those later. To get a sense of just how far Bro would go to protect Dave (and a sense of how much you should not mess with him), take note of how he cut a meteor in half in order to buy Dave time to get into the Medium in canon. So now that we've covered their relationship when shit's bad, let's cover their relationship on a normal day.
In a way, they have a relationship that is like your typical sibling rivalry (disregarding the fact Bro is actually Dave's dad, shush.), only cranked up to eleven. Because that is the Strider way. Sarcastic antagonism rules the household, jabs that don't seem so affectionate but really are, and a whole lot of Strifing. Bro pushes Dave to the limit physically pretty much daily, training on the rooftop with swords to make Dave a better fighter, sharpen his senses and the like. And it's all, as stated above, because he's trying to make Dave a stronger, better person.
And yeah, somewhere in the back of his mind he knows what a pretty crappy guardian he is, but he justifies it by telling himself he's done the best he can, given his circumstances. Even though sometimes he knows that he's fucked up, it's okay so long as Dave doesn't hate him. As long as Dave continues idolizing him, it's okay. And sometimes it's enough to convince him that just maybe he's actually doing a pretty good job- but only sometimes.
The two Striders may share an intense sibling rivalry and have the same sense of humour when it comes to certain things, but their personalities happen to be extremely different when it comes to a lot. Where Dave wants you to believe he's cool and collected, his temper is quick to flare and he takes offense more easily, whereas Bro takes things in stride(r), letting things blow over him him and strike back with a calm kind of douchebaggery that Dave can't manage.
Now speaking of those raps mentioned earlier, the dude can lay down some sick rhymes all the fucking best beats. He's got a way with words and metaphors that can leave you thinking for days until BAM you're staring into the fridge and suddenly a chill creeps down your spine as you suddenly realize what he meant. But he saves those for rap battles, because the average every day person cannot handle them.
He also carries around a puppet, Lil Cal. This puppet is hardly ever not thrown over his shoulder, and if it's not then you know something's wrong. He uses it during his rap battles to bring humiliation, as well as in physical combat when he's feeling particularly douchey. Because defeating people with a puppet is the ultimate form of humiliation.
Bro is also the type of person who lurks in the shadows and waits for the best opportunity to present itself (and to say that Bro is silent and skilled enough to make a Ninja commit suicide out of inferiority would not be much of an exaggeration) before going in for the kill. The kill ranges anywhere from a literal sword to the gut, to a pouring rain of plush big-assed, phalic-nosed puppets. Along with knowing when best to strike, Bro also knows when the fuck to abscond, and he's good at doing this too; in canon, for example, he stabs his sword in the giant beat mesa he was fighting Jack Noir on to cover his escape, initiating The Scratch in the process.
Which leads to the highly inappropriate side of Bro's personality. As said, he makes unwanted flirtacious advances, but he has no censor either. He doesn't think twice about making lewd sexual innuendos and dropping an f-bomb or similar in conversation- you know, typical sentence enhancers.
Bro also happens to collect the aforementioned puppets of big-assed, phalic-shaped variety, around which he has built a porn business. These are in fact a main source of torture for Dave, as Bro takes great pleasure in tormenting him with them.
Despite this, Bro certainly is capable of pulling himself together and having a serious conversation if the situation really calls for it, though even serious conversations with Bro are not your normal kind of serious conversations. Because he's Bro Strider and that's just how he rolls; if you can't take it, then you can pack your shit and hit the road.
Bro was born and raised in Houston, Texas, though his parents originally named him Dirk and he would later change it during adulthood to Bro. His parents were muggles, and as far as they knew magic was just a fairytale. When Bro was 10, his father, the second son of an oil baron, moved the family to England on business.
The following year is when Bro got his letter for Hogwarts and they were all faced with the reality that no, magic was not just a fairytale and Bro was in fact a wizard. Bro's parents were highly religious, which meant at first they were very reluctant to send Bro to Hogwarts. Fortunately in the end, they gave in and Bro was sent off to school.
Like it is for most people, his school years were some of the best of his life. He was one of- if not the coolest guys in school during his seven years there. Being American made him something shiny and interesting, which he took total advantage of. He was also the type of person that the teachers loved, and despite the fact he did a lot of shit that he should have gotten in trouble for, he was never really caught. It probably had a lot to do with the fact he had a natural charm that made them all love him.
Along with being a damn good Seeker on the Gryffindor team (flying was something that came to him naturally, and his skill won them matches left and right), he was made Prefect in his fifth and sixth year, and then Head Boy in his Seventh. He excelled at the physical classes, mainly Defense Against the Dark Arts, Charms and Care of Magical Creatures, which were his top classes, though Potions wasn't far behind. He made passing grades in History of Magic and the rest of his subjects, though they didn't interest him nearly as much.
Not long after graduation, his parents, the god-fearing Christians they were, kicked him out because they were terrified by his magical power. They weren't cruel, though, and gave him a decent amount of money to support himself. One night at a bar, he met Miss Lalonde, the classiest of drunks. It was something like lust at first sight, and their one night stand turned into quite the romantic fling.
After Lalonde wound up pregnant with twins, the two of them tried to make it work. They tried really hard, but in the end they decided that it was best to part ways. Once she gave birth, Bro took one of the twins and named him Dave, while Lalonde took the girl and named her Rose, and they didn't look back- at least, Lalonde didn't. Bro was actually sad to see her go, but he knew she was better off without him.
Finding himself with a baby, Bro knew it was time to settle down, so he took the remaining money he had left from his parents and got a flat in Soho. Bro knew he wasn't cut out to be a dad and so rather than raise him as a son, he raised Dave as his brother. No one knew the truth- he didn't even have anyone to tell the truth to, really. No one really aside from the one night stands and week-long girlfriends, anyway- he'd cook up some sob story for each one about how he'd come to care for Dave. It was great for getting into people's pants. But no one ever stayed for long, and Bro didn't care, because Bro wasn't looking for anything long-term- maybe, and though he would deny it, because he still held feelings for Lalonde.
Raising Dave proved challenging, especially because Bro had decided against getting a job in the wizarding world and opted to make his living the muggle way- which translated into building something of a porn puppet business and earning the occasional bit of cash from rap battles. But they made enough to survive on, neither of them lacking for anything they absolutely needed. It was also around this time that Bro finally got around to changing his real name from Dirk to Bro.
Bro's parenting methods also ended up being highly unorthodox. At a relatively young age, physical and verbal affection ceased to be a regular occurrance, because the two of them were just too cool for that. Daily sword training became a regular occurrance in place of affection once Dave was old enough, and Bro also taught him the art of rapping and mixing beats, which was a source of neighborly complaints at least once a week.
Despite living life as a muggle, Bro never lost touch with his magical side. In fact, he even continued studying in his free time, mainly magical languages. He was so into rapping that he wanted to motherfucking expand that shit, so he could rap in Mermish and create some sick-ass fires in the great lake one day. Okay, that wasn't entirely true, but part of his motivation behind it was so that he could have a rap-off with a magical creature one day, and just plain confuse people with that shit. Over the years, he devoted enough time to become fluent in Mermish, and semi-fluent in the Goblin language. He continues studying even to the present day, not just Goblin but also a couple of other languages as well, though he still has a long way to go.
Dave's Hogwarts letter arriving would be a day Bro never forgot, mostly because it was one of the most god damn hilarious days in Strider history. It happened when they were on the roof, training swords- to put a long story short, Hogwarts had to get a new owl because Dave had an accident, resulted in the owl being impaled with a sword. Dave doesn't like to talk about it- Bro loves to torment him about it.
The day Dave left for Hogwarts was both an extremely proud day for Bro and the hardest in his life. After having Dave give Cal a fistbump, he got down on one knee and gave Dave a rare hug in which the two of them pretty much almost lost their cool. Almost. And then Dave was on the train, and Bro was really alone for the first time in 11 years.
Bro had no idea what the fuck to even do without Dave. It turned out to be really boring, even. But he managed to carry on, pouring himself more into rap and his other hobbies with more intensity, because what else was he supposed to do? But he wasn't lonely- no, of course he wasn't lonely. He was too cool to be lonely!
When Parent's day came along, it was quite the mess for everyone involved. He hadn't gone there thinking he would confess the truth to Dave that he was his father in a weirdass Star Wars-esque parody but yeah, Luke and Leia had to get the truth that day. He also hadn't fully intended to apply for a job as the flying teacher, but considering Dave had come so close to having incestual relations with the sister he didn't know about, he decided it would be for Dave's own good if he were around more often. And it was not because he was lonely at home or missed Dave.
Dave Strider TBA
Dirk Strider TBA
Rose Lalonde Bro and Rose have a complicated relationship. She is, like Dave, his biological child. Since he and Mom Lalonde agreed to separate soon after they were born, they each took once child, Bro taking Dave. But just because that was a thing doesn't mean he doesn't love Rose. He doesn't know her well, but now that the truth is out in the open, he wants to have a better relationship with her. He really does regret that he's missed out on so much of her life and that he and Mom had to lie in the first place. It's better late than never, though, and he's definitely making the effort to get to know her now. It's slow going, but she isn't pushing him away and that's encouraging. He's really glad that she doesn't resent him to the point of not wanting anything to do with him. The one thing he can't wrap his mind around is Rose's hatred for her mother, and it's something he would really like to ask about. He's waiting for the right time, though, and he knows it's too soon in their relationship to delve into those kinds of things.
Murdoc Donoghue Another person that Bro didn't get off to a good start with. What started as friendly, playful jabs directed to his new coworker quickly turned sour when Murdoc didn't take too kindly to these things. Everything culminated into a nasty fight between the two of them after Murdoc insulted Dave, which Bro was not happy with at all. After this, the two of them pretty much avoided each other, though the nearly got into it again on the teacher's retreat. It wasn't until Bro made a post asking for parental advice that things finally started improving. Bro's realized they have a lot more in common than he first thought, and he has a new respect for Murdoc because of these similarities between them. Bro is fully willing to forget the past and move forward in a better direction with Murdoc, and is even willing to cut the jabs that he knows Murdoc hates so much. He's not quite sure if he wants to try being friends with him yet, but he's not opposed to it.
Tess Mercer They've talked a fair bit over the course of a little while. It started with her suggesting Bro should clean the floor with a toothbrush and has evolved into her giving him parenting advice. They're on the right track, and he's starting to really like her- probably more than he should, given the fact she hasn't shown very much interest in him, as well as the fact he also likes Sybille. He thinks she's pretty badass, and would totally be willing to clean her floor with a toothbrush in a french maid outfit. Really though, he wouldn't mind getting to know her better and going out for drinks, even if it's just as friends. He's grateful for all the advice she's give him, and he really just overall likes her personality a lot.
Rhys Rhydderch Yeah, anything that Bro might have liked about this guy went out the door upon reading Rhys's "advice" on what to do about Dirk. It was enough to put him on Bro's black list for life, and Bro is planning on making a point of keeping Dave and Dirk both away from him as much as possible- the snag being that Potions is a mandatory class. He'll tutor them in private if that's what it takes for them to pass the class and not ever have to stay for extra work or anything. The less they see of him, the fucking better.
Constance Peixes Constance and Bro haven't really talked a lot, but he's noticed that a common theme with the Peixes family is that they have a LOT of hair. The logical conclusion that can be drawn from this is that they are part Wookie. It takes a lot of self control not to make Wookie sounds when he sees them.
Gamzee Makara He kind of thinks Gamzee's a bit... weird. He doesn't dislike the guy, but he doesn't like him all that much either. Also he cares way too much about his face makeup, though Bro admits he probably should've gotten Gamzee some new face paint to make up for stealing and vanishing his. Overall, his feelings on Gamzee can be considered neutral at best.
John Egbert Despite all outward signs pointing to the opposite, Bro likes John. He's glad that Dave has a friend like him and that the two get along so well. He doesn't know John all that well personally, but based on observations, he thinks he's a pretty cool kid, though he can be a bit slow on certain uptakes.
Georgia Nicholson Bro thinks Georgia cares way too damn much about makeup, but he feels a little bad about stealing all of hers. He bought her some new makeup, but he didn't know what the hell kind to get, so he mostly just got random things. Aside from that, she doesn't stand out too much to him right now, but that'll probably change if he talks to her more.
Eridan Ampora Murdoc's [redacted] son. He doesn't know the kid very well, but his first impression was about like Murdoc's, which is to say he thinks Eridan is kind of an annoying brat. And not even in the good way like Sollux. But still, for the sake of keeping the peace with Murdoc and not being a hypocrite, he's being patient with him.
Bruce Banner He doesn't know him too well, but he thinks Bruce has shitty taste in recipe books. Why the hell wouldn't you want to use Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes? It's the best damn recipe book there is.
Katniss Everdeen Bro thinks Katniss is kind of weird and antisocial. She never has much to say, and when she does speak it's kind of evasive. But she's also weirdly sassy, which he finds a little endearing, so he hasn't written her off just yet. But damn if he doesn't want to know why the hell she has a job.