John Egbert
"there is always hope for someone who has good friends to count on!"








April 13








11", Apple wood, Gryffon feather core




Ladies and gentlemen, meet your average nerd. John is an average kid with average looks and average everything else.

Like every other nerd, John possesses a variety of interests—from pranks and paranormal lore to computer programming, web comics and bad movies. He’s very passionate about his interests; he can ramble about them even during the most inappropriate situations. He tries his damndest to improve on what he does but no matter how hard he tries, his skills when it comes to his interests are average at best, terrible at worst. In fact, the only things that he seems to be competent in are playing the piano and combining objects, usually with the intent of making them more hilarious.

Despite what some of his actions might suggest, John is fairly intelligent; he just doesn’t think before he talks/acts. Because of that, he’s honest and straightforward, occasionally stupidly brave, sweet or tactless. He allows his feelings to guide him, so he’s really optimistic, innocent and naive. He almost died because he listened to some psychopathic alien girl’s advice, but he forgave her when she explained it was unintentional. This particular naiveté makes it easier for people to trust and befriend him, but as a downside, it also makes him more susceptible to manipulation (much to Vriska’s delight). Even his friends (particularly Dave) acknowledge how he could get in real trouble because of this part of his personality.

John is silly. He does stupid things for the sake of doing stupid things. What can he say? He loves his comedy. He stuffed fake arms—a pair he uses for hilarious purposes—into a cake because it guaranteed maximum hilarity. He later stuffed it down the toilet. At some point, he also handed out stuffed bunnies like cheap cigars to babies because it reminded him of a scene from his favorite movie “Con Air” and because why the hell not? He had an emotional breakdown afterwards because it was just so beautiful. Please note that he did this with the knowledge that some huge shit was going to transpire in a few minutes.

John isn’t completely happy, though. Similar to most thirteen year olds, he suffers from a low self-esteem. Literally etched on the walls of his subconscious are degrading words like “STUPID”, “DUMB”, and “RETARD”. Jade scribbled hearts and supporting words all over the daunting text, but that probably didn’t help much.


Once upon a time, John’s muggle dad fell in love with a weird, mysterious woman. Their love bore fruit; not literal fruit, but two, beautiful twin babies. The woman had a sense of adventure, though, so she left him and took one of the babies. Dad, who did not realize they were twins, decided to raise poor, now motherless John.

His life was pretty unremarkable. Dad taught him how to play the piano, to execute hilarious pranks and to bake. He loved the first two but loathed the last one. He was an outcast in muggle school; he was pretty odd, and he was kind of a huge nerd, so of course people stayed away from him. This, coupled with the fact that he never knew his mother, spawned a tiny self-esteem.

At some point, he started drawing clowns and writing insults all over his movie posters in his sleep but they’re currently invisible to him. His dad assumed he liked clowns because of the drawings, so he decided to cover the entire house with them. John thought he developed an insane obsession with those things, so he directed his self-hate towards the damned harlequins.

His letter arrived on his Eleventh Birthday. After rambling about how awesome that was and referencing some of his movies, his dad finally told him that his grandmother was a muggleborn. It was a surprising revelation. His dad finally gave him the contents of the chest he kept in his room; he inherited his grandmother’s wand, galleons to support his studies, an old copy of Colonel Sassacre’s Daunting text, some robes and a few books. He happily accepted the invitation.

Life in Hogwarts was uneventful. He excels in Math-related subjects like Arithmancy and sucks at History of Magic (and everything else). Bluh bluh, who are these douchebags?



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